


Something More

by peacerose47



Category: Star Trek: Voyager
Genre: Enjoy!, F/M, and i got so sick of it about halfway through writing i'm kinda glad it's finished, but people seem to enjoy it so it's here, even though it's not as good as i want it to be, my first multi-chapter story
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-08-30
Updated: 2015-09-06
Packaged: 2018-04-18 00:32:46
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 9
Words: 11,733
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4685456
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/peacerose47/pseuds/peacerose47
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Chakotay writes a heart-felt letter one night, little knowing the consequences it will have. Begins in season 6 or 7 with spoilers for "Endgame".</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. The Letter

 

_ Everybody needs something to live for.  Someone who relies on them, and who they can depend on in turn. Someone they want to make a life for. But it must be more than that, because I have that. We have a friendship built on trust, and we both try to ease the other’s burdens. So why do I feel like this isn’t enough? _

_ Don’t you ever lie in bed lonely, wishing for someone to hold? Don’t you ever look at me and wish we could be something more? I could give you everything you wanted, be everything you needed, if you’d just let me. _

_ What happened to us, Kathryn? Why don’t you flirt with me on the Bridge anymore? Or join me for dinner as often as you used to? You smile a lot less often now, but the lines are still around your mouth, reminding me of happier times. Like the  loving smile  you gave me when  you saw the bathtub I built  for you. Or the way we’d sit on  the  couch after dinner, just sitting in comfortable silence, simply enjoying each other’s company. We never needed to say anything, because we both understood. Or so I thought. _

_ I thought we made a promise. An unspoken promise, granted, but it’s a vow I try to uphold every day. I thought we’d never let anything come between us. Never let the world outside blind us to the love inside us. That thought kept me strong when times were bad, and I know you relied on my silent presence and support as much as I did yours.  But now I see you growing apart from me, and I don’t like it. I know a lot has happened over the last seven years, but I really thought that what we had was stronger than all of that. Was I wrong? Are your feelings different than I thought? Can you have changed that much? I looked into your eyes earlier today, and I almost didn’t know you. The woman I know and love was almost absent from the gaze I held, being replaced by a hardened, guilt-driven Starfleet captain. When did that happen? And how did I not see it? Will I ever get you back, my Kathryn? _

_ Maybe I’m a dreamer, or a hopeless romantic, but I still think there’s hope. And where there’s hope, there’s a reason to live. Do I have any hope, Kathryn? Can you give me that much? Everything I do, I do for you. To help you, to make your burden lighter, like I promised to do. But if you don’t need me, if you don’t want me, then what am I doing this for? _

_ You once told me to move on. It was late one night after dinner in my quarters. You became sad and distant when I began to carefully talk about ‘us’. But I don’t think that’s what you want, and you know it’s not what I want. W h at I want is to  take you in my arms and hold you all night. I’ d whisper  words of love in your ear. I’d promise never to leave you or stop loving you. I’d hold you forever, if you’d let me.  But instead, tomorrow I’ll get to sit on the Bridge beside you, wishing you were the woman I once knew. _

_ There will always be a place in my heart reserved especially for you, my love. I hope you know that. And it’s because I love you that I’m not going to pressure you to give me something you can’t. I’ll admit I don’t quite understand your exact reasoning, but I know enough to know it would be hard for you, if not damn near impossible, to be the captain you need to be and be the kind of lover we both want you to be. So I’ll settle for friendship. And I’ll try to move on, if that’s really what you want. But I will never leave you, Kathryn. I promised you you’d never be alone, and I intend to keep that promise. I’ll always be your friend, and I hope someday we can be something more. _

 

**  * * * *    **

 

Chakotay  looked at the words he had written on the paper and sighed. She would probably never read this, but he felt better having gotten the words out anyway. Folding the paper neatly, he opened a drawer and tucked the letter into the back of it. Maybe someday she would know.

 


	2. The Admiral

Captain Kathryn Janeway emerged from the turbolift, the picture of collected determination. Only the hand massaging her neck betrayed the tension she had been under for the past several days. Meeting an older version of yourself wasn’t something most people experienced, and butting heads with that other version was frustrating to say the least. Kathryn was glad they had finally come to an agreement, even if she didn’t feel completely comfortable about the Admiral’s part in all of this.

The doors of the shuttle bay swished open to reveal the Admiral’s futuristic shuttle. Kathryn paused for a moment to admire the vessel’s sleekness, before entering the shuttle in search of its pilot.

“It’s about time,” the silver-haired Admiral looked up from the helm as the Captain approached. “I’m not getting any younger, you know.”

Janeway showed the Admiral the hypospray in her hand. “You’re sure you want to do this?”

“No,” the Admiral replied, the corner of her mouth curving upward into a familiar half-smile, “but Voyager isn’t big enough for both of us.”

Kathryn reluctantly pressed the hypospray to the Admiral’s neck, watching as a look of resignation crossed the older woman’s features at the sound of the hypo’s hiss.

Kathryn sat back in the co-pilot’s chair and stared at the Admiral for a minute, taking a last look at the woman who was giving up so much for them. She had always known that she would have sacrificed everything she had for the sake of her crew had it been necessary, but that had usually been little more than an abstract idea in the back of her mind. This was all too real. In that second, she vowed to herself that she would make it all worth it. She would make sure that the crew got home to their families, and had the happy lives they deserved. She would ensure that the Admiral’s sacrifice would not be in vain.

But for now, they had a mission to complete. “Good luck, Admiral,” she murmured. They had discussed contingencies and strategies of course, but both of them knew that luck would play a big part in what was to come.

“You too,” the admiral returned. Their mutual gazes didn’t waver, and in an instant, Kathryn felt, for the first time since the admiral had come on board, that she could identify with the person before her. Up until that moment, she had refused to acknowledge that the stubborn, cynical old woman she saw could be herself in any way, but now she felt an unexpected rush of sympathy for what the admiral was about to go through for them. Quickly, she stood up to leave before she betrayed too much emotion, even though she was sure the admiral had already seen it in her eyes.

Before she had gone two steps, she heard the admiral take a breath and call, “Captain…” She turned as her counterpart stood from her seat at the helm and walked towards her. Reaching into some obscure pocket inside her jacket, the admiral pulled out an old-fashioned paper envelope. “There were many reasons I came back here now,” she said, “but this was one of the most important. For me, at least.” She paused, gazing at the paper in her hands, then she held the envelope out for the Captain. “I need you to have this,” she said. “Read it when this is over. But I need you to know… before it’s too late.”

Kathryn gingerly accepted the envelope and nodded her thanks. The Admiral smiled in return and quickly added, “And Captain… I’m glad I got to know you again.”

=/\= =/\= =/\=

No yellow dwarf star had ever seemed such a welcome sight to the Bridge crew as did the one growing larger on the viewscreen before them. This was the star that sustained life on Earth. This system was the place they called home. Chakotay was at the helm, Tom and B’Elanna were in sickbay, and the rest of the crew were celebrating all throughout the ship. They had done it. They were home.

Captain Janeway had been ensconced in her ready room since they had arrived in the Alpha Quadrant. Damage reports were coming in, no casualties were reported, and Crewman Chell was serving champagne in the mess hall with replicator energy that no longer needed to be rationed. Starfleet Command had sent a communique detailing a plan for landing Voyager on the Presidio, and Tom had promised to be back at the helm for that.

Kathryn leant back in her chair and rubbed her forehead. When they reached Earth, there would be a lot of debriefings and questions from Starfleet Command. And if the tale of Voyager was as big a news story on Earth as she had been led to believe, she had no doubt the media would want to get a piece of them as well. The crew would be reunited with their families, with the added joy of arriving just in time to be home for Christmas. Voyager would likely get a well-deserved maintenance overhaul at McKinley Station. The ship had certainly been through a lot over the last seven years.

Rising from behind her desk, Kathryn walked up the stairs to the replicator. “Coffee, black”, she ordered, and a steaming mug appeared for her in the replicator tray. Taking a sip, she turned to stand in her familiar place at the window, from where she could see a couple of their escorts and Earth, looming ever closer before them. Oh, how she had missed that little ball of blue. She had vowed seven years ago to do whatever it took to get her crew back there; she just hadn’t imagined it would take two of her to do it.

What was it she had overheard Tom Paris saying about the admiral? “She got Voyager home, then came back in time to get us home faster. If that’s not dedication, I don’t know what is.” That was true, she thought. The admiral had been so dedicated she had let herself be assimilated for the sake of the crew. And she had given them a new, better future. She had helped them deal a crippling blow to the Borg, and had given the Federation technology to help defend against that threat.

And there was something else she had given them as well. With a start, Kathryn remembered the envelope the admiral had given her right before leaving on her suicide mission. She had slipped it into her pocket and forgotten about it, until now. Walking back down to sit at her desk again, Kathryn pulled the envelope out of her pocket and unfolded it. Opening the flap, she found two sheets of paper, nestled inside each other. The first piece of paper looked newly-replicated, while the second one was yellowed with age. Two letters. Kathryn recognized her own handwriting on the first as she began to read:

_Kathryn: If I’ve succeeded in my mission, you should be home by the time you read this. I don’t know where I am or what’s happened to me, since the timeline I came from probably doesn’t exist anymore. But I need to tell you something._

_In my timeline, Chakotay died ten years ago – the year we got Voyager home. We had been estranged for a long time by then, ever since he started dating Seven of Nine. I tried to be happy for him, I wanted him to be happy, but I had always imagined him as being there for me. And then suddenly he wasn’t. My dreams of being with him after finally getting home were dashed as I stood there on the holodeck and pronounced them husband and wife. When Seven was fatally injured, Chakotay blamed me for sending her on the away mission in the first place. I had thought the fights were bad that we had had over the alliance with the Borg, or when I was hell-bent on stopping Ransom, but they were nothing compared to how we yelled at each other over this. He never forgave me, and you know how stubborn I can be when it comes to apologizing. Our friendship was lost forever, and I think a part of him was lost too, as he held his dying wife in sickbay, and when he stormed out of my quarters that night. He was never the same after that. And when we finally reached Earth, it was like he had nothing left to live for. He passed away in his sleep only a couple of months later. It was a few weeks before anyone found him in his secluded cabin in the middle of nowhere. B’Elanna had gone to Arizona to look for him, but all she found was his body, cold and stiff on the bed._

_The funeral was small, just what was left of the Voyager crew. Chakotay had lived alone, so it was up to B’Elanna and his sister Sekaya, being his only family, to go through his belongings. B’Elanna brought me a small bundle of his things that she had cleared out of the cabin – a couple of holoimages of the two of us, a pressed and dried peace rose, and a letter that was addressed to me, but which I had never been given. At the time, my grief was still so fresh that I could only put them away in the back of a drawer, and over time I forgot about them. Until, that is, I found them again a few weeks ago._

_When I read what Chakotay had written, I realized it was all my fault. I told him to move on and he did. I pushed him away and he reacted exactly as any rational person would. I can’t blame him for that. I can only blame myself. I made a mistake, and it’s too late for me to fix it. But it’s not too late for you. I’m giving you a chance to make things right. We both know you love him, Kathryn, and when you read his letter, you’ll realize that he’s loved you too, all this time. I don’t know when Chakotay wrote that letter, but I’m assuming it was before he got together with Seven. And if I got my timing right, their relationship has only just begun. It’s not too late for you to get him back._

_You’re home, with a whole future ahead of you. No more Borg attacks, no more late-night red alerts, and no more Leola root. But we both know you won’t truly be home until that future includes him._

_You know the right thing to do. So do it for both our sakes._


	3. Belonging

Seven of Nine did not look up as the doors of the Astrometrics lab swished closed behind whoever had entered. She tapped away at her console, hoping that the person behind her wasn’t who she thought it was.

“What are you doing?” Chakotay’s voice dashed her hope.

“Working,” she replied, still not looking up.

She heard him move to stand behind her shoulder. “Voyager’s about to land in San Francisco,” he said. “Wouldn’t you like to be on the Bridge for that?”

“I prefer to remain at my post.”

She could feel Chakotay’s gaze on her. He was standing so close now she could feel his breath as he sighed. “Is this still about what we discussed earlier?” he asked.

Seven paused in her button-pressing. “I am still feeling… apprehension,” she began. “Now that we are at Earth, the possibility of danger is more remote, making our relationship more secure. But now my future is… uncertain.”

She heard Chakotay shifting on his feet, no doubt considering his response. “There are a lot of possibilities for all of us,” he told her. “Once we’ve reconnected with our friends and families, and gotten the debriefings out of the way, we will have to decide our futures. But I’m certain Starfleet would love to make use of your expertise. You’ll no doubt have a lot of offers for postings. And as for your family… there’s your aunt in Sweden.”

“I barely know her,” Seven objected, returning to her console.

“Then get to know her,” Chakotay encouraged. “You might find you like her. And I’m sure she’d jump at the chance to see you again.”

Seven considered what he had said. She could see a certain logic in his words. “I am used to the structured environment on board Voyager,” she said. “I am familiar with every crewmember here, and I have a distinct purpose on board this ship. On Earth among strangers I would feel… lost.”

Chakotay moved closer to her side and reached a hand around behind her to rest it on her other shoulder. “I’m not a stranger,” he reminded her.

Seven looked at him for the first time during their conversation. She saw the honest affection in his eyes and found it comforting. “No,” she agreed, “you’re not.”

=/\= =/\= =/\=

The debriefings didn’t last as long as most of the crew had expected them to. Some wondered if the Captain had pulled a few high-ranking strings to keep them so short, but she refused to admit to anything. Kathryn had spent Christmas Day with her family for the first time in seven years, and she was still in a festive mood when she was informed of a “post-Christmas, pre-New Year’s” party Tom Paris was organizing at the real Sandrine’s.

Almost the entire crew showed up at Sandrine’s that night, along with several friends and family members, all of whom wanted to talk to the Captain of Voyager. Kathryn was quite glad when Tom managed to rescue her from Harry Kim’s talkative mother, and she then spent a good deal of time reaffirming her title of Voyager’s resident Pool Shark.

She was close to winning a game against Crewman Dalby when she heard the doors open and a sudden hush descend on the crowd. She looked up and saw that Chakotay had entered… with Seven of Nine on his arm. For a long moment, nobody spoke. Surprise was evident on most of the crew’s faces. Then Tom found a smile to wear and went forward to greet the couple.

“Chakotay. Seven. Glad you could make it.”

“We wouldn’t miss it.” Chakotay’s smile looked slightly forced. He could probably sense the tension his arrival had caused. Seven just looked as stoic as ever.

Kathryn went back to her pool game and sank a few more shots before she heard a voice at her elbow.

“It’s good to see you here.”

“Why wouldn’t I be here?”

“You don’t often spend much time at crew functions.”

“Then I’ll have to fix that.” She lined up for another shot without giving him a glance.

She felt rather than heard his sigh. “I’m glad you’re here,” he said again softly. She just tapped the ball and watched it roll. Chakotay hovered for a moment, then went back to where Seven was standing with Tom Paris. The ball sank into the pocket.

All evening, Kathryn avoided Chakotay and his date. But all evening, she found herself watching him, and she knew from experience that he was probably keeping tabs on her too. Whenever they had attended a function on an alien planet, it had been a security precaution to keep an eye on each other. When they had gone to a party on the holodeck, it was mostly because they arrived together and each liked to know when the other was getting ready to go so they could make their own excuses and leave together. But more than that, she just liked to know where he was. She couldn’t explain it – she just did.

Right now, he and Seven, with their (non-alcoholic) drinks in hand, were talking with Mike Ayala and his wife, whom Kathryn had met earlier. Mike said something and Chakotay burst out laughing. Kathryn took a sip of her own drink to hide her smile. She loved hearing his laugh, and she loved seeing the twinkle in his eyes when he found something amusing. She saw him turn and smile at Seven. It was the smile that highlighted his dimples in a way that always made Kathryn weak at the knees. But now he was giving that smile to her, and Seven didn’t seem the least bit affected by those gorgeous dimples. She didn’t seem to find anything to appreciate at all, either in his smile or in the joke.

As she watched them, Kathryn couldn’t help wondering, why Seven? She could understand why he had moved on; she had certainly pushed him away often enough. But why Seven? They had nothing

in common. She was all science and efficiency; she couldn’t appreciate his spiritual essence in the way Kathryn had come to love it. She couldn’t appreciate his passion from beneath her cold, Borg point of view.

“When did that happen?” a voice asked softly at her side. She turned to see Tom Paris following her gaze to the couple.

“I wish I knew,” she replied honestly. She looked back at Chakotay, who was putting his arm around Seven’s stiff at-attention stance.

“She’s all wrong for him, you know,” Tom said, echoing Kathryn’s earlier thoughts. “I mean, I want to be happy for them, but…”

“But?” Kathryn asked, not sure she really wanted to hear the rest, but curious anyway.

“Well,” Tom shifted a little and lowered his voice, “we always thought he and you would end up together.”

So even her crew had seen their attraction.

“We even had bets going on how long it would take you two to get your act together,” Tom continued. “There were some people who thought you’d been an item right from the beginning.” Chakotay laughed again and Kathryn watched as Seven excused herself from the conversation, oblivious to Chakotay’s confused gaze following her. “We always thought the two of you belonged together.”

Belonged. Past tense. Not anymore. Seven had wandered towards the Doctor and appeared to be holding an uncomfortable conversation with him. Chakotay continued to talk with Ayala, occasionally casting concerned glances toward his date. Not once did he look to where Kathryn was standing, watching him.

Even Tom had seen what she had known. But he had thought she would be smart enough to act on it; to take what was hers while she still had the chance. “We thought the two of you belonged together.”

“So did I, Tom.” she murmured. Once, but not now. Now, he’s hers. “So did I.”

Leaving her wine glass with the saddened helmsman, Captain Kathryn Janeway left the party.


	4. Persistence

_Do it for both our sakes. I’m giving you a chance to make things right. So do it for both our sakes._

_I’ll always be your friend, and I hope someday we can be something more._

_We always thought the two of you belonged together…. Today I can’t imagine a day without you…. He would stay by her side, doing whatever he could to make her burden lighter…. There will always be a place in my heart reserved for you, my love…. I can’t imagine a day without you…. Raincheck? Of course…._

_“Chakotay!”_

Kathryn Janeway sat straight up in bed, panting as though she’d just run a marathon. Sometimes dreams were wonderful things, but not when they were about the things you were trying to forget.

Resigning herself to another short night, she slid out of bed, adjusted the silk nightgown which had ridden up from her tossing and turning, and padded out to the kitchen. She hit the button on the coffee pot to start it percolating, then wandered over to the window of her San Francisco apartment. Even this early in the morning, piercing lights meandered their way through the streets as people drove around the city. Shadows passed under the lights of street lamps, and Kathryn chuckled as one staggered quite drunkenly against a lamppost below her window and promptly threw up next to it. No need to guess where he’d been.

If she were on Voyager right now, she’d be roaming the corridors, inadvertently scaring the gamma shift crewmen. They never did get used to her night wanderings. Maybe she’d have gone to the mess hall for a cup of coffee, and to wish Neelix were there to talk to, haunting the place even at night like he usually did. Maybe she’d have gone to Engineering to lend a hand with the latest problem, or to the holodeck where the Sandrine’s program seemed to be a permanent fixture. She might even have gone to her Ready Room to do more of the work that Chakotay said she already did too much of.

The ding of the coffee pot saved her from any further musings. She grabbed a mug off the bench, realizing it was the one she had smuggled out from the Ready Room on Voyager. Her favourite mug. Chakotay used to point out that it was exactly like every other Starfleet-issue mug, but she disagreed. This one was her lucky mug. She raised it to her lips like she had so many times before on the ship. The delicious aroma both aroused her and soothed her at the same time. Coffee with milk or sugar didn’t have quite the same effect, so she chose to drink it just plain black. She remembered the grin Chakotay used to give her on New Earth whenever he watched her drink that first cup of morning ambition. He once remarked that she made it look almost like a religious ritual…

“Stop it,” she told herself, almost starting at how loud and harsh her voice sounded in contrast to her thoughts.

Taking the mug with her, she went to the bathroom to prepare to face the day. She almost took her uniform from her closet out of habit, but then she realized she didn’t have to wear it every day anymore. She didn’t have to be anywhere today, so she could wear whatever she wanted. By the time she finally settled on a pair of slacks and a comfortable t-shirt, the beginnings of the sunrise were just starting to filter in through the windows.

_Today is a good day for a walk_ , she decided. _Maybe it will clear my head._

She walked down the street leisurely, smiling indulgently at the busy people hurrying past. She had nowhere she needed to be. She had no need to hurry. She stopped at a bakery as she walked by, remembering that she hadn’t had breakfast. She paused outside a pet store to smile at the puppies curled up asleep on the other side of the window. _Maybe I should get a dog._ When she finally found herself in the park she had been heading for, the sky had long abandoned its reds and golds for the beautiful shade of blue she remembered. She found she wasn’t the only one who had had the idea of an early morning walk. She saw several people jogging through the park, someone was sitting on a bench, reading, and in the distance she saw a man and a little girl playing fetch with an excitable black puppy. She found a tree in a secluded area and sat down under it to eat the bagel she was calling ‘breakfast’. Her mother would not approve of her choice of nutrition, she knew, but Chakotay would just be glad she was eating at all.

Chakotay. When did she start thinking about him so often? Perhaps it was seeing him at the party at Sandrine’s several days ago. Or was it after reading his letter? Her mind travelled back through time, and she realized the question she should be asking herself was – _When did I_ stop _thinking about him so often?_ She had thought him handsome when she first saw the picture in his personnel file. She had thought him intriguing when she met him in person. He was kind and caring on New Earth, and no-one had ever been more supportive to her than he had been on Voyager. He was a good friend.

_It’s because I love you that I’m not going to pressure you_ , he had written. And he hadn’t. He had accepted the friendship that was all she had given him, but it wasn’t enough for him. He had moved on, and it was her fault.

_He reacted as any rational person would… I can’t blame him for that._ She had pushed him away and he had taken the hint. It was what she had wanted… wasn’t it? So why did she feel so guilty? Why did she…

_I miss him_ , she realized. _I miss what we had._ But what did they have? They were friends. Once, they could have had more. But not now.

In the distance, she could still see the couple playing with the dog. The puppy was running back to the little girl, and the girl reached down to pull something from its mouth. The puppy wouldn’t let go and the two ended up engaged in a tug-of-war, which the girl eventually lost. The puppy ran away with its prize, happy in its victory, while the girl turned to her father in apparent frustration. The man waved his arm towards the dog, and the girl, after standing and sulking for a minute, turned and ran after the creature. The puppy was eager to play and led the girl on a merry chase for several minutes before the girl finally caught him and the tug-of-war began again.

_He’s not going to let go_ , Kathryn thought. _You’re wasting your time._

But still the girl tried. She pulled and tugged and wouldn’t let go and eventually, the puppy let her have the stick he had been carrying. The girl held the stick carefully away from him with one hand and patted her thanks with the other.

Perhaps persistence was not so futile.

Kathryn stared at the three as the game of fetch continued. Something about the scene before her struck something in her mind. Yo _u know the right thing to do. So do it… for both our sakes._ Hadn’t she promised herself she would make the admiral’s sacrifice worth it? So why was she denying the admiral the one thing she wanted most? She had wanted her younger self to be happy. _I’m giving you a chance to make things right. You know the right thing to do._

Kathryn Janeway had never been one to give up. It was that fact alone that had gotten them home, and it would work for her again now. With a new determination, she stood up and brushed the crumbs off her lap. The first thing she would have to do is find out if he still felt the same way about her as she did for him. To do that, she would have to start talking to him again. She remembered the weekly dinners they had had together, how easy it had been to talk to him then. She should arrange something like that again. But not dinner, that was too intimate. She didn’t want to scare him off by moving too quickly after seven years of no encouragement. Lunch. That was acceptable between friends. And she knew just the café to do the job.

By the time she finished thinking everything through, she was back at her apartment. She went straight to the comm unit, then stopped short. There was a flaw in her plan. She had no idea where Chakotay was living. Who would know where he is? Tom. Tom kept tabs on everybody. She knew he and B’Elanna were staying with Tom’s parents. She would call there and talk to Tom.

“Captain! To what do I owe this pleasure?” Tom asked with a wide grin as he appeared at the comm.

“Do I need an excuse to call a friend?” she evaded.

“No, but you usually have one.”

Kathryn opened her mouth to begin with some pleasantries, but the look in Tom’s eye told her she didn’t need to. “I was hoping you knew where Chakotay was.”

If Tom was surprised by her directness he didn’t show it. “He and Seven were staying with her aunt in Sweden,” he told her. “As far as I know they’re still there.”

“Thanks, Tom.” Doubts began to shadow Kathryn’s plans at the mention of Seven, but she pushed them firmly aside. She was going to do this; after all, what did she have to lose?

“If you want my opinion,” Tom leaned forward to say softly, “I think he’d welcome a break. The aunt has been lavishing attention on her long-lost niece and Seven’s actually enjoying it. He sounded to me like he felt a bit out of place with this particular family reunion.”

Kathryn smiled at Tom’s understanding. “Thank you,” she said sincerely.

“Just look for Irene Hansen in Sweden. You’ll find them.” And with a wink, he was gone.


	5. Irene Hansen

Irene Hansen had never married. She had been engaged once, to a friend of her brother’s. He was an exobiologist, like her brother, and full of laughter and enthusiasm. If she thought her brother was the most adventurous spirit she had known, she was proven wrong when she met Jon. He loved deep space travel, and was always volunteering for away missions on the Starfleet ship he served on. His letters to her were full of zeal and passion, his talent for description making even the most mundane details sound exciting.

And then came the day, shortly after their engagement, when she had received a letter not from Jon, but from one of his friends. He told her how Jon had been with an away team who had ventured into some caves, and the caverns had collapsed without warning, killing two people besides Jon and seriously injuring several more. Irene had been heartbroken. The thought that Jon, so full of life and laughter and everything that makes living worthwhile, would never stand before her again was something she did not want to contemplate. She became angry at Jon for going on the away mission. Then she became angry at his friend who had written the letter. Then she got angry at the ship’s captain for ordering the away mission. Her hatred grew to include all of Starfleet in general, and captains in particular. To her, nobody had any business ordering someone into a dangerous situation, giving the call that might mean certain death to an innocent person. She was glad that her brother had never joined Starfleet, but when Magnus mentioned searching for the Borg, she put her foot down. She told him that if he insisted on going on this foolhardy mission, she would never speak to him again. And she never did. Because he never returned.

The news, years later, of a starship lost in the Delta Quadrant did not interest her much, other than proving just how reckless and stupid starship captains could be. The Delta Quadrant, of all places to get lost! But then she received a letter – from Starfleet. It took her almost a week to actually read it. Her loathing of the entire organization almost made her delete it on sight, but when she did read it, she was glad she hadn’t. Her beautiful niece Annika, a six-year-old bundle of joy when last seen, had been rescued from the Borg and was on that lost starship. It was almost unbelievable. She read the letter several times. Would Starfleet lie to her about something like this? Why, Annie must be over twenty by now. No, it had to be true. She wanted to believe it was.

And then, three years later, she received word that Annika wanted to talk to her through the Pathfinder project. Their conversation was short, but wonderful after so long. She was saddened to see the mark the Borg had left on Annie, but was thrilled to have her back nonetheless. Well, almost back. It was several more months before the _Voyager_ found a way to return to Earth, though no-one seemed to know exactly how they came to be blowing up Borg in a transwarp hub. Before she knew it, she was crying and hugging Annie and welcoming her home, and Annie had introduced her to Commander Chakotay, her ‘friend’, though Irene suspected he was more than that to her. The two of them had stayed in San Francisco through the official debriefings, and then Chakotay had accompanied Annie to Sweden to stay for a while. Irene had made strawberry tart for dessert that night, and she was sure that Annie, although she didn’t show it, had enjoyed it as much as she had as a child.

Irene smiled, as she gazed out the kitchen window. It was nice to have Annie back, or ‘Seven’, as she preferred to be called. And her Chakotay seemed to be good for her. He was kind and patient, and good-looking to boot. Irene may have been old, but her eyesight was perfectly fine. The smile stayed

on her mouth as she turned back to the pastry dough that would soon be another strawberry tart. Annie really couldn’t get enough of them!

The comm unit in the corner of the room caught her attention suddenly, as it began to flash and beep, indicating an incoming transmission. She washed the dough off her hands and went to the comm to answer it. Whatever she had been expecting, it was certainly not the face of Captain Kathryn Janeway lighting up her screen. Oh, she knew of the captain. She had brought Annie back, and for that Irene was grateful. But Janeway was a captain, and that was reason enough not to like her.

“Ms Hansen, I presume?” the captain asked, although she must have been perfectly aware who she was calling.

“Yes,” Irene answered shortly.

“I heard Chakotay was staying with you and Seven, and I was wondering if he was around to talk to.”

“He’s not here right now,” Irene said evasively. The truth was Chakotay had left several days earlier for his home planet of Dorvan. Annika had been practically pining for him since he’d left, although she denied it the one time Irene had approached her about it. Apparently the captain wasn’t aware of that change of plans.

“Oh.” Was it her imagination, or did the inscrutable Captain Janeway actually look _disappointed._ “Well, could you ask him to call me back, then? I’ll be here most of the day.”

“Of course.” The two women stared at each other for a moment, and it was then that Irene noticed the captain was not in uniform. Would she really discuss Starfleet business with her officers in such a casual state of dress? Probably not. Captains were supposedly quite self-conscious about following procedures and appearing to be the perfect Starfleet officer, pristine uniform and all. She also hadn’t used Chakotay’s rank…

“How’s Seven?” Janeway broke into her thoughts.

“She’s fine,” Irene answered. “She’s settling in quite well.”

“That’s good.” There was another uncomfortable silence, and then the captain said, “Well, I’d better not take up any more of your time.”

“No.”

“It was nice meeting you.” The screen went black. Irene doubted that the captain actually meant those last words. She returned to the kitchen and started vigorously kneading the dough. What did Janeway want with Chakotay, anyway? What would be important enough that she would bother him during his vacation?

_Kathryn Janeway._ What little she knew of the woman she had heard from Chakotay. Although he didn’t talk about her much, she had seen enough to know that ‘Kathryn’ was more than just a captain to Chakotay. They were friends, at least. Good friends. But Irene was smart, and she had a good memory. Chakotay got a ‘look’ in his eyes whenever he talked about the Captain, and Irene

had seen that look before. She had seen it in Jon’s eyes when he’d looked at her, and Magnus had seen it as well whenever their conversation had turned towards her. It was the look of a man in love. And not with Annie. He pretended he loved her niece, and Annie seemed to believe it. She doted on the man, and Irene had come to like him too. She wanted Annie to be happy, especially after everything she’d already been through. And if Chakotay was the way for that to happen, then Irene would do everything she could to ensure that nothing disturbed her niece’s happiness. Even if that meant keeping a few secrets.


	6. The Answers I Seek

The heat from the Dorvan system’s binary suns seemed even more oppressive than usual that afternoon. Maybe it was the unhappy memories the landscape was evoking in his mind, or maybe it was because he had forgotten to bring his hat. Whichever the reason, Chakotay was not in the best of spirits when he arrived back at his sister’s house. He found her at the kitchen table, engrossed in a book with a cold cup of tea at her elbow. He found a cup in the kitchen cupboard and poured himself some tea from the slowly-cooling pot on the bench.

“Did you have a nice walk?” Sekaya’s voice startled him.

“I did,” he said, moving to join her at the table. “I thought you were reading.”

“I was.” She slipped a bookmark between the pages and flipped the book shut. “But now I’m talking to you.” Taking her cup from the table, she went to the kitchen for a refill. “Do you want to talk about it?”

“Talk about what?”

“Whatever’s been bothering you.”

“Why do you think something’s bothering me?”

Sekaya raised an eyebrow at him and leaned back against the kitchen bench. “You’ve been moody and sullen since the day you got here.”

“I’m not sullen.”

“And did I mention argumentative?” She took a sip of her tea, ignoring his glare, then continued, “You’ve been getting a lot of messages from your girlfriend the whole time you’ve been here. What’s her name, Six?”

“Seven,” Chakotay said defensively. “And not all the calls are from her. Some are from her aunt.”

“Yes, Irene. I spoke to her one time. She called while you were out.” She paused, gazing out the window. “Nice lady. Very protective of her niece, I think. Although she didn’t call her Seven.”

“Her human name is Annika. Irene calls her Annie.”

“Mm-hm.” She took another sip of tea before asking, “Why does no-one else call?”

“I beg your pardon?”

“Surely your friends must care how you’re doing. Why do none of them call?”

“I didn’t tell anyone I was coming here, except Seven.”

“I see.” Sekaya suddenly seemed to have found something fascinating outside the window to stare at, leaving a long silence to stretch between them. Chakotay began to get more and more uncomfortable, and was glad when Sekaya spoke again. “Why did you come here?”

“To see you,” was Chakotay’s immediate response. Sekaya’s attention shifted from the window to him, and he found her scrutiny even more uncomfortable than the silence had been.

“Why did you really come?” she asked softly.

“What do you mean?”

Sekaya sighed quietly and sipped her tea thoughtfully. “Even when we were younger, I always knew there was something restless about you. You were never satisfied, never happy with what you had. You always wanted more. That was, I think, why you joined Starfleet. But on the few times you came to visit, or when Father let me go see you, you never seemed content. Happy at times, yes. But not content and satisfied.

“When you began sending me letters from _Voyager,_ I had a hard time believing you were the same brother I had always known. You sounded different. I believe you finally found peace out there, somewhere, somehow. But now you’ve lost it again.”

Chakotay didn’t comment, but simply continued his intense contemplation of the tabletop in front of him. He hadn’t realized his sister was so perceptive. Her analysis of him was far more accurate than he would have liked. He didn’t enjoy being scrutinized.

“What was it?” Sekaya asked softly. So softly he almost didn’t hear her at first. “What was it that finally gave you the peace you were searching for?” He started when she placed her hand on his shoulder; he hadn’t heard her come over. “Can I help you find it again?”

Chakotay slowly began to shake his head. “No,” he whispered. He tried to clear the sadness out of his voice. “No, I don’t think so.”

Sekaya knelt down next to his chair, bringing herself just below his eye level and reaching a hand out to turn his head towards her. “What was it that gave you peace?” she asked tenderly. Chakotay felt tears pricking his eyelids at her compassion and he tried to fight them back. “Or who?” his sister asked suddenly. “Was it someone?”

Chakotay looked at her, startled. What had given her that sudden revelation?

“Was it Seven?” Sekaya asked. Chakotay felt the sadness return, and wasn’t entirely sure he kept it out of his eyes. “No,” Sekaya answered her own question. “If it were, you wouldn’t be so sad now.” She searched his eyes for a minute more, than stood up abruptly and grabbed his cup from the table. “I’ll get you a fresh cup of tea,” she said.

Chakotay debated what to tell his astute sister about his personal life. As far as he was concerned, it was a mess. He cared for Seven, but he wasn’t in love with her. Unfortunately, the whole crew and most of the Federation believed he was. And the woman he was in love with was convinced he had moved on and was no longer interested. He had no idea what to do.

“Call her.” Sekaya’s voice startled him. For a moment, Chakotay wondered if she had become a telepath in his absence.

“Call who?”

“Seven, her aunt, Captain Janeway, your Klingon friend. You can even call your friend Ayala that you’ve told me about, but I think you might get better advice from a woman. I just think you need to

talk to someone. And if you don’t want to talk to me, find someone else.” She set the tea down in front of him. “I’ve got to go to town for a while. Feel free to use the comm unit.” She placed a gentle kiss on his cheek and patted his shoulder, then she was gone.

Chakotay didn’t know how long he had been sitting there after she left, just staring at the table and letting his tea go cold again. He knew Sekaya was right; he did need to talk with someone. He just didn’t know who. He couldn’t hurt Seven or Irene by telling them all of this, and he doubted he’d get more from B’Elanna than a well-deserved _p’tack_ or two. And Kathryn wasn’t talking to him. He hadn’t seen her since the party at Sandrine’s, where she had avoided him with a proficiency he hadn’t known she possessed. And she hadn’t called him since.

How did his life come to be such a mess? The web he found himself tangled in seemed unbreakable. He had no idea what he should do, and he didn’t know who to turn to for help. But he had to do something. He had to make a decision.

Maybe his spirit guide could help him. She had often helped him during difficult times in the past, and this certainly qualified as a difficult time. Striding resolutely toward his bedroom in his sister’s small house, he took his medicine bundle from the drawer he had placed it in and settled down on the floor, leaning against the wooden bed. Placing his hand on the _akoonah,_ he began the ritual chant. “ _Akoo-chee-moya._ Here, near the sacred places of my ancestors, near the bones of my people, I wish to see the powerful being who has guided me in the past, to help me find the answers I seek now.”

He was still in the vision quest when Sekaya came home two hours later.


	7. Clarity of Thought

“Aunt Irene, I wish to discuss… a matter with you.”

The hesitancy in Annika’s voice was not at all what Irene had come to expect from her niece. Nor the somewhat vulnerable expression that was currently on her face.

“Of course, Annie. Come sit here. Now what’s bothering you?”

Annika, as she was becoming accustomed to being called, sat hesitantly on the sofa, something else she was still becoming accustomed to. She took a moment to collect her thoughts, then began, “It’s about… Chakotay.”

Irene felt her heart sink. She had sent messages and comm calls to that man, trying to convince him to come back to Annie, but he was still on that blasted planet on the other side of the quadrant. And now Annie “wished to discuss” him. Great.

“What about Chakotay?” she asked with a surprisingly calm voice.

“Every time I call him he says he will return ‘soon’, but it has been two weeks already, and he has shown no indication of returning. I am… concerned. I believe I… miss him.”

“Well, honey, that’s perfectly normal. You love him, so you miss him when you can’t be with him.”

“But if he loves me too, why does he not miss me? If he did, wouldn’t he return?”

“Yes,” Irene answered slowly, “but he also wanted to spend time with his family after being away from them for so long.”

“Fourteen days is sufficient time for familial reunion,” Annika declared. “He should return to Earth.” She rose from the couch and strode over to the table with the comm unit, saying, “I will tell him that. Again.”

Irene watched as she punched in the comm code and waited for a response. Within seconds, the image of Chakotay’s dark-haired sister appeared on the screen. Annika wasted no time in preamble. “I wish to speak to Chakotay.”

“I’m sorry, but…”

“Please relay a message to him,” Annika interrupted curtly. “Tell him that he has had sufficient time to accomplish his objective on Dorvan, and I wish him to return to Earth.” Sekaya started to say something, but was cut off by Annika deactivating the comm unit. “Now he will come back and I will no longer be experiencing these unpleasant feelings.”

Irene bit back a smile as she watched her niece storm out of the room. When Annie first came back to her after Voyager’s highly-publicized return, she had been unprepared for the former Borg’s almost Vulcan outlook on life interspersed with moments of barely-controllable emotional confusion. She knew her niece was inexperienced with romance and a lot of other things, but why did she have to fall in love with Chakotay, of all people? The man had practically abandoned her here without calling her once. True, Annie called him almost every day, but from what Irene had heard of those calls, he was not the best conversationalist then either. Annika was pining away for him here, and he didn’t care. When Irene had first met Chakotay, he had seemed a kind and gentle man, but

over time she had begun to realize he was just like every other man. He was just toying with Annika’s heart. And if he hurt the only family Irene had, she would make sure there was hell to pay.

=/\= =/\= =/\=

Sekaya switched off the comm unit and leaned back in her chair. She was trying not to dislike this Seven of Nine, for her brother’s sake, but she was finding that difficult. She didn’t know what Chakotay ever saw in the Borg woman.

Seven’s request was a strange one, Sekaya thought. Obviously Chakotay hadn’t called to tell her he was going back to Earth. Although, he had left in such a hurry that he probably hadn’t thought about it.

_“For such a long vision quest, I hope you found it worthwhile?” Sekaya had asked of her brother when he finally emerged from the bedroom._

_“I think it did help,” Chakotay had said. “How long was I in there?”_

_“Depends when you started. I got home an hour ago and was out for two.”_

_“Well then,” he had grinned, “it was three hours well-spent. I talked to my spirit guide. She helped me find some clarity of thought.”_

_“Clarity enough?”_

_“I hope so.” He turned a wistful gaze towards the window before continuing, “I know who I want to see. Who I think I have to see to find my peace again. But I don’t want to hurt anyone. Seven’s so naïve and innocent, I don’t want to do anything to upset her. But I just don’t think it’s going to work out between us. We’re so different, and she’s so… inexperienced. She’ll have a lot more options on Earth than she ever did on Voyager, and she should be free to look around and explore… well, herself. Her humanity, her emotions, the possibilities for her future. I don’t want to get in the way of that.” He suddenly seemed to remember his audience and looked apologetically at his sister. “I’m sorry, I don’t mean to ramble.”_

_“You’re not,” she had assured him. “If it’ll help you to talk about it, I don’t mind listening.”_

_Chakotay had given her a grateful smile before continuing to share his thoughts. “I think that was why I felt so confused. On some level, I knew what I had to do, but I didn’t want to hurt Seven… or Irene. She’s very protective of Seven, and I’m somewhat afraid she’ll hurt me if I hurt Seven._

_But I just can’t keep lying to her. Whatever I might have felt for her weeks ago or a month or two ago, I don’t feel it now. Our relationship isn’t going to work, and I think we both have to face that.”_

_“And what will you do once you are foot-loose and fancy-free, as they say?”_

_“I’ll find out if Kathryn still wants to talk to me, and if she doesn’t, I’ll die a lonely old man.”_

_“And if she does?”_

_The intensity of his gaze and the passion in his voice showed Sekaya the conviction in his next words._

_“Then I’ll beg her forgiveness, and ask her to be my wife.”_

Sekaya smiled to herself. She had always been a romantic at heart, and she suspected her brother was too, unlucky though he had been with love in the past. If he hadn’t told Seven of his intentions over the comm, then she was in for a nasty surprise when he arrived on Earth. Sekaya had tried to tell her that Chakotay was already on his way, but the impulsive woman had cut the comm line before she could. She supposed that should bother her more than it did, but she decided she would just let things be and let the Borg find out in her own time. She only wished she could be there to see her face when it happened.


	8. About Kathryn

_You were right, Chakotay. There were times I wanted to throw protocol to the wind and just climb into your bed and show you how much I love you. There were times I wanted to be able to just fold myself into your embrace and let you take all my cares away. But I couldn’t do that. Because I was the captain._

_You were right. We made a promise, there on New Earth, during that time we never speak of any more. I promised myself, even if I never said the words to you, that nothing would ever come between us. That when we got back to Earth, I would willingly walk into your open arms. But when we finally got there, your arms were open for another woman. And I was left alone._

_It hurt, Chakotay. It hurt a lot. I thought you would always love me. I thought you knew I didn’t honestly want you to leave me and move on. I guess I shouldn’t have been surprised when you did. I thought if I convinced myself you didn’t love me, and hadn’t for a long time, that I would be alright with watching you and Seven together. But that letter closed that door, and reopened the wound I was trying desperately to seal. To find out that you truly did love me that much, and to face proof that I really did push you away too many times._

_I wanted to give you hope. I really did. But I couldn’t. Because I was the captain. I wanted to love you unconditionally and wholeheartedly, but I couldn’t. Because I was the damned captain. I could see it was hurting you, just as much as it was hurting me, but I was helpless to do anything. Because…._

_I have loved you almost from the first moment I met you, and I will continue to love you until my dying day. But I can never tell you even now. Because I don’t want to hurt you now that you’re with Seven. You deserve to be happy. I want that for you, even if it’s not with me. But I hope… I sincerely hope we can still be friends, even if we can’t be anything more. I would be lost without you._

_I don’t want to be alone._

=/\= =/\= =/\=

Gretchen Janeway blinked back tears as she finished reading her daughter’s note. She had had no idea that Kathryn felt that way; even as a child Katie had always been good at hiding her true feelings.

Gretchen had found the letters whilst tidying up Kathryn’s bedroom in the Indiana farmhouse. She had pulled some clothes out of the drawer to fold them properly, and noticed the letters, folded together, fall to the floor. She hadn’t meant to pry into her daughter’s personal affairs, but the first page had caught her eye, and she had read it almost without meaning to. Although the circumstances of _Voyager’s_ return were officially classified, Kathryn had told her enough for her to have the basic idea of what had happened, so she had realized that the first letter was from the future version of her daughter. The second letter appeared to be from her former first officer, whom Kathryn spoke of rarely, and the third equally heart-breaking letter was written by Kathryn herself, the present-day version of her. The few times Gretchen had questioned her about the handsome man, the only response she had gotten was a few cryptic remarks about the command structure and something about Seven of Nine, before Kathryn determinedly changed the subject. Now having read what seemed to equate to the innermost thoughts of the two of them, Gretchen thought she had a pretty good insight into what went on out there. It was the classic story – girl meets boy, girl and boy fall in love, but something keeps them apart.

At that moment, the doorbell rang, startling Gretchen from her thoughts. Leaving the letters on Kathryn’s bed, she hurried downstairs and opened the door to find none other than Chakotay on the doorstep.

“You look so much like Kathryn I know I have the right place,” he said with a grin. “I’m Chakotay.”

“Yes, I know. Gretchen Janeway,” Kathryn’s mother said, accepting the handshake. “Won’t you come in?”

“Is Kathryn here?” was Chakotay’s predictable first question.

“She was staying here… last week,” Gretchen told him. “She’s on Mars right now, visiting her sister.”

“Oh.” He looked disappointed at that, and Gretchen felt sorry for him.

“Come on,” she said, wrapping an arm around him in a motherly fashion, “just because she isn’t here doesn’t mean you can’t stay. It’s my house, and I say you need some tea and fresh brownies and to tell me all about yourself.”

Chakotay laughed, and Gretchen noticed his dimples for the first time. “I can’t argue with that,” he said, as he allowed her to lead him into the kitchen.

=/\= =/\= =/\=

“Phoebe! Finally! Quick, where’s Katie?”

“Well, hello to you too, Mom,” Phoebe said, pulling up a chair to the comm unit. “What’s the hurry?”

“Chakotay’s here and he’s upstairs at the moment, and I wanted Kathryn to surprise him by coming home right now. If she catches the next transport from there, she can be here in a couple of hours. I might be able to keep him here that long.”

“So, wait. You mean Kath’s not there? She left here yesterday.”

Gretchen was dumbstruck. “She’s… not there?”

“Haven’t seen her since yesterday morning,” Phoebe told her.

“Well, where is she?”

“I thought she was going home.”

Gretchen leaned forward with a groan and held her head in her hands.

“Mom?” Phoebe’s concerned voice floated to her through the comm screen. “I’m sure she’s alright. She’s a Starfleet captain, she can take care of herself. I guess she just wanted some space or something. You know what she’s like.”

“I also know if she doesn’t get her ass back here soon she may just ruin her one chance of getting the guy,” Gretchen said gloomily. “Just… see if you can find out where she went, and hope we’ll hear from her soon.”

“Mom? Are she and Chakotay…?”

“Let’s just say complicated is an understatement,” Gretchen said, exasperated. She turned her head suddenly, hearing footsteps on the stairs. “I have to go. Call me back if you find her.”

Hurriedly ending the call, she stood up from the comm just as Chakotay walked slowly into the room, holding three sheets of paper in his hands. Gretchen realized with a start what she had forgotten to put away, as Chakotay raised his head to look her in the eye.

“I think we need to talk,” he said. “About Kathryn.”


	9. Something More

On any other day, the cool, ocean-scented breeze that ruffled his hair would feel invigorating, but Chakotay found that today, it only cleared room in his head for more unanswered questions and melancholy thoughts.

He had thought they were so close on New Earth. He had certainly opened up to her in a way he never had with anyone. He thought she had trusted him in the same way, but she had never said a word to him about the way she felt.

Sitting on the upstairs balcony of his new house, with his medicine bundle spread out before him on the floor, Chakotay began to realize that, as much as Kathryn had eventually opened up to him, and as close as he thought they were, she had never let him see the one thing that really mattered - her heart. He wondered if anyone had ever seen it, or if that part of Kathryn Janeway would remain a mystery forever.

It had been a week since his visit with Gretchen, and he had not heard a word from either Janeway. _Give her time,_ Gretchen had said. _Sometimes you have to treat her like a wild animal - just let her come to you._ He had waited seven years, he decided; what were a few more days or weeks?

But he found he was lonely in this big new house. The walls around him were meant to house a home; a family. But instead he found only loneliness and emptiness. He was even imagining the scent of rose perfume and coffee everywhere he turned.

Except that this time, as he closed the balcony door behind him and started down the stairs, the scent didn't disappear into the part of his imagination that it usually came from. This time the scent stayed. It stayed with him as he followed it into the living room and his eyes fell on a familiar figure sipping coffee on his couch.

"I hope you don't mind; I helped myself in your kitchen," she said when she became aware of his presence in the doorway.

"Not at all," was all he could reply. He found himself drinking in the sight of her again, noticing how her now-longer hair cascaded over her shoulders almost as it once had, seeing the welcome sight of real color in her cheeks rather than the lie of make-up, and also not failing to note the quickening of his own heart as he realized she was actually, finally here.

“I haven’t seen you in a while,” she said, breaking the silence. “How have you been?”

“I’m doing alright,” he said. He hesitated a moment, then ventured, “We were worried about you. You disappeared rather suddenly.”

"Sorry," she said, smiling ruefully. "I guess I just needed some space; some time to... sort out a few things in my mind." She continued watching her finger as it gently traced the rim of the mug.

“Where did you go?” Chakotay asked softly, moving a few steps into the room.

Kathryn shrugged. "When I left Phoebe's, I wasn't sure exactly where I wanted to go. I just found a transport and left. I just wanted to get away. I needed to work through some things. Feelings I thought I couldn't... shouldn't have.

"But then I met Seven. She was passing through the space station I was on, on her way to Vulcan. She told me the two of you had ended things."

"Was she alright?" he asked quietly.

"Honestly, I don’t know. She didn't tell me until then that she'd had her failsafe device removed. She was… unprepared for how strong and volatile emotions could be. I think it overwhelmed her. She described symptoms that were almost bipolar. She told me Tuvok agreed to help her try and regain some of her former emotional balance.”

Chakotay nodded, realizing the explanation for some of the former Borg’s recent behavior.

"But she got me thinking,” Kathryn continued. “About you. About... us. About how neither of us have any strings attached anymore. No responsibilities, no obligations. Nothing standing between us."

She was silent for a second, gathering her thoughts, then she stood up suddenly and began to pace the room. Chakotay moved to the couch and sat down, waiting for her to speak.

“When we were out there,” she began at last, “there were a lot of times, more than you know, when I was tempted just to set down on the next M-class planet we came across. Just settle down, and give up. I felt like I couldn’t keep fighting every minute of every day, no matter how much I wanted to get home. But you kept me going. Every day, your smile, your support, even just your presence, always there, kept me from completely losing everything. Everyone says I got the crew home, but I couldn’t have done it without you.

“I know I gave you a hard time on occasion, and I said some things I didn’t mean, but I never meant to push you away, and I never wanted you to give up on me, and I was sorry when you did.”

She stopped pacing and her voice dropped so low that Chakotay subconsciously leaned forward to hear her better.

“I’ve never really been good at talking about my feelings, but there’s one thing I want to say, that I have to say, before it’s too late.”

She turned around to face him then, her jaw tight and body tense, as if she were going into battle. She looked him fully in the eye for the first time since she had arrived, her eyes full of determination.

“I love you.”

For a long moment, the world stood still. Chakotay felt like he couldn't breathe. He could only stare at the vision before him and pray that this wasn't a dream; that he wouldn't wake up at any moment with a new knife wound in his already broken heart.

He almost didn't notice when she kept speaking, her voice barely more than a broken whisper.

"I always have loved you," she said, her eyes beginning to glisten with unshed tears. "I was just too afraid to say it.

"I've lost people before, Chakotay. People I loved. I didn't want to lose you too, but in pushing you away... I almost did."

Chakotay stood up then, never breaking his gaze from hers, and moved slowly, purposefully, until he was close enough for her to see in his eyes the pent-up emotion threatening to break loose. First one of

his hands came to rest on her arm, then his other hand; then suddenly she was in his arms and she felt her control begin to fall away as the tears came in multitudes from both of them.

"You never lost me," he murmured into her hair. "I would always have been there for you. I would have left everything I had if I thought you still cared for me."

"I never told you," she said. "I kept pushing you away, and I never told you. I'm sorry, Chakotay. I'm so sorry. I know I should have said something, I just never could."

"You don't need to be sorry," he told her. "The past is the past. What matters is now."

"Right now," she said, pulling back to look at him, "I never want to leave you again."

He carefully brushed some tears of her cheek with a gentle caress of his thumb. "I have a spare bedroom you're welcome to have."

"I was thinking more... your bedroom."

"What, taking things slow isn't good enough for you?"

"When have I ever taken anything slow?" she laughed.

Chakotay chuckled and pulled her closer in his arms. He felt that this was the happiest he'd been in a long time, and he never wanted the moment to end. He had something to live for, a future full of promise, and someone who could finally be something more to him than just a friend.

And, he hoped, remembering the little ring box tucked between his medicine bundle and a certain packet of letters, maybe something even more than a lover.


End file.
